As I sit here, quiet and contemplative, I am amazed at the stark contrast of the lightning speed of my thoughts as opposed to the stillness of my body. The energy I feel inside my head does not match the apparent laziness of the five feet, seven and a half inches of my body sitting on this couch, wondering which book to pull off of the shelf this morning.
No one knows, when they look at you, what thoughts are playing bumper cars inside of your head. You could be thinking about cotton candy, or the perfect solution to the problem of world hunger, rampant discrimination and the problem of war, and to the judging onlooker you're just a lump sitting there staring lazily.
But you're not. At least I hope you're not. No. You're not. You are thinking. You've discovered layers of self deep down inside, and you are sick and tired of wondering what they look like and why they seem to take on a life of their own whenever you indulge them. They scare you, these layers, when you peer into them. Don't they? You think you're peering into the Abyss, all deep and black, don't you? It's terrifying but you can't not look, because it is mesmerizing.
You may have been trained by a religion not to look because it's dangerous and precarious. There may be monsters in there! Or maybe the devil is in there. I assure you that he is not. There are no devils in your head, only you and all the parts of yourself that you are not supposed to look at because no one does, and if you do you will become different from everyone else and it will make them all very uncomfortable!
There is an unspoken agreement among people to stay on the same page with each other: shop at the same stores so that you can talk about your bargains, watch the same t.v. shows so that you can talk about them at work the next day, eat the same food, vote the same, worship the same . . . you get the point.
But you don't want that anymore, do you? You've noticed something about yourself that makes you feel different and you like it. There is an energy to this peering into the abyss that is satisfying and a pleasant kind of high. You start feeling tingly all over, and kind of powerful. The darkness starts to fade.
Don't stop.
Keep looking. It's not an abyss, all dark and scary. Not after a while, anyway. This chasm filled with strange thoughts and feelings will take you on a ride that will change your entire perspective on life, the universe and everything: on the truth of who and what you are. This ride is dangerous and frightening at first, as it rips away the shaky structure upon which society has constructed its own made truths and false histories. The whole thing comes crashing down and you have to maintain a calm in order to build a new structure that is perfect and permanent.
You can lose your mind in the process, or gain it. If you are weak you lose. If you would rather hold on to the comfort of a familiar world that vexes you, it is your own choice to maintain the status quo. If you are ready for this process of individuation, you gain everything. You gain yourself. You become immune to the maddening repetition of the world. You realize that the demiurge of societal norms and invented niceties holds no power over you any longer and you are free to be who you are without shame, without fear and without a single, solitary doubt in yourself.
Do it.
Peer into that abyss and dive down that rabbit hole. Follow the winding vortex of frightening darkness until it becomes light again. Get everyone else's words and phrases out of your head and think your own thoughts. Find yourself and don't come back out until you've succeeded. When you re-emerge you will be a real super-hero.
I love you for it.
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