4.26.09
We picked up the moving van and had a hell of a day emptying that house! Friends showed up from out of the blue and pitched in, and it was a beautiful thing. People were all over the place helping us and we were grateful for it. We didn't think it would go well at all, with the little bit of time we had to prepare. The exodus from Michigan was difficult to orchestrate in the beginning, but once I had secured a job we had precious little time to get that ball rolling.
Our plans to sell off our unwanted possessions fell away, and instead we gave most of it away. Two televisions, an entertainment center, refrigerator, washer and dryer, sleeping bags, a tent, inflatable boat and mattresses, camp stove and lantern, 9 bags of clothes, two bags of shoes, five winter coats, 50 books and some glasses. We gave it all away. At first it was a bit tough, but soon we got on a roll and we just had so much fun with it! I was glad to see people getting things that they needed, and also people who have helped us in the past were on the receiving end this time. It made everyone happy
There were cookies and pie from my mother-in-law, water and soda to keep everyone going. Lots of hugs and tears, worries and fears. Long, silent smiles as we looked into the faces of our friends and families, not wanting to say how much we would miss each other. This was so much harder than I thought it would be.
I had spent the entire previous week preparing for the 1995 mile drive with the cat in the van with us, (the cat who won't come out when people come over or even so much as venture out the back door for fear of virtually everything. Now she's going in a van for days and days? Crazy). I hadn't shed a single tear as I left the job that I loved, (though I admit I was holding back to the point of discomfort). I spent a week focusing on the things that I wouldn't see anymore: the old, creeky wood floors, the orange walls I painted myself, the 75 year old scary basement with the odd little room I hated going into. I was losing my house and all the pretty flowers that I lovingly planted, but there wasn't an alternative.
Oddly enough, it was the day I went to see the Angie, the wonderful woman who has cut my hair for the last 21 years, that I started crying like a baby. I was so embarrassed, but she had been a friend to me all these years, and I trusted no one but her with my long. blonde locks. That really took me by surprise, albeit a pleasant one.
By the time the 16 foot van was loaded we were tired and crabby, I couldn't find the cat and our bodies ached so bad that it was hard to find the strength to hunt her down in the two story house that we would be driving away from for the last time the next day. She was an excellent hider. With Sophie the cat finally secured, we spent a last night in Michigan at Jim's parent's house. They were all too happy to tend to our needs, doting on us tearfully. It was all so surreal to me. We had talked about leaving Michigan for such a long time that I, myself, no longer believed we would go. But here we were, with all our worldly possessions in a big yellow truck, bound for adventure across America. We were sort of like dorky pioneers.
The last evening in Michigan was spent with Jim's parents and our nephew, Corwin. Two of our dear friends dropped by for a last beer and hugs, and we spoke all the "I'll visit soon", promises. A nice small group. Some more pie and cookies and it was off to bed for the first of what would turn out to be three sleepless nights. The next day our new lives would begin and nothing would ever be recognizable again.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Care and feeding of the Mind
Do not be taken aback by introspection and dark wanderings into your own mind.
Enjoy it for the journey of liberation that it is. Dive down that rabbit hole and go deep, I say. Look at all the emotion, the suppressed feelings and denied desires. Stare into the face of the monsters of fear and the desire to fit in, and pick them apart into a million little pieces until they are too small to exist anymore. Undo the knot of other people's imposed beliefs and shibboleths so that you can think for yourself, work out your own universal scheme and locate yourself in it, because though we share this place, we are an entire universe unto ourselves.
We share a space with each other, yet no one can really enter our worlds, we have to live in them all alone. No one else can climb into our heads with us. It gets lonely in here. There seems to be a constant re-arranging of absolutes, so much so that I have given up on anything remotely resembling any such thing. I thought there were. Absolutes, I mean. But really, I am the only absolute in my life, so I have to take care to let in only what won't damage the environment.
Shit. Too late. There's been a lot of water underneath that bridge. Damage control! Environmental clean-up!
This could be the source of the problem. Too much white noise from the psychobabble of shallow society, a rapidly shifted worldview, scads of updated information, and the brain starts processing on overload.
This peering into the abyss situation is not for the faint of heart! It is mental surgery, removing everyone else's shit from one's head so that one can think and operate in a shit-free environment.
What we need is mental floss. Floss daily for optimum mental health, and don't let other people rent space in your head! Put up an "Authorized Personnel Only" sign to keep out the likes of the Jerry Falwell's, the Pat Robertson's, the Bill O'Reilly's, and other haters and fundies like them. Keep out the haters of individuality, the homosexual haters, the woman haters and the haters of other people's beliefs and practices. Guard yourself from these tricky talkers so that you can remain empty of shibboleths, empty of made truths and the status quo. Remain empty of unrealistic expectations, and live truly in your own world.
Mmmmm. That's it, baby. Raise up your own flag and fly it. You can't be you in someone else's world.
Enjoy it for the journey of liberation that it is. Dive down that rabbit hole and go deep, I say. Look at all the emotion, the suppressed feelings and denied desires. Stare into the face of the monsters of fear and the desire to fit in, and pick them apart into a million little pieces until they are too small to exist anymore. Undo the knot of other people's imposed beliefs and shibboleths so that you can think for yourself, work out your own universal scheme and locate yourself in it, because though we share this place, we are an entire universe unto ourselves.
We share a space with each other, yet no one can really enter our worlds, we have to live in them all alone. No one else can climb into our heads with us. It gets lonely in here. There seems to be a constant re-arranging of absolutes, so much so that I have given up on anything remotely resembling any such thing. I thought there were. Absolutes, I mean. But really, I am the only absolute in my life, so I have to take care to let in only what won't damage the environment.
Shit. Too late. There's been a lot of water underneath that bridge. Damage control! Environmental clean-up!
This could be the source of the problem. Too much white noise from the psychobabble of shallow society, a rapidly shifted worldview, scads of updated information, and the brain starts processing on overload.
This peering into the abyss situation is not for the faint of heart! It is mental surgery, removing everyone else's shit from one's head so that one can think and operate in a shit-free environment.
What we need is mental floss. Floss daily for optimum mental health, and don't let other people rent space in your head! Put up an "Authorized Personnel Only" sign to keep out the likes of the Jerry Falwell's, the Pat Robertson's, the Bill O'Reilly's, and other haters and fundies like them. Keep out the haters of individuality, the homosexual haters, the woman haters and the haters of other people's beliefs and practices. Guard yourself from these tricky talkers so that you can remain empty of shibboleths, empty of made truths and the status quo. Remain empty of unrealistic expectations, and live truly in your own world.
Mmmmm. That's it, baby. Raise up your own flag and fly it. You can't be you in someone else's world.
Don't Abuse The Nous
As I sit here, quiet and contemplative, I am amazed at the stark contrast of the lightning speed of my thoughts as opposed to the stillness of my body. The energy I feel inside my head does not match the apparent laziness of the five feet, seven and a half inches of my body sitting on this couch, wondering which book to pull off of the shelf this morning.
No one knows, when they look at you, what thoughts are playing bumper cars inside of your head. You could be thinking about cotton candy, or the perfect solution to the problem of world hunger, rampant discrimination and the problem of war, and to the judging onlooker you're just a lump sitting there staring lazily.
But you're not. At least I hope you're not. No. You're not. You are thinking. You've discovered layers of self deep down inside, and you are sick and tired of wondering what they look like and why they seem to take on a life of their own whenever you indulge them. They scare you, these layers, when you peer into them. Don't they? You think you're peering into the Abyss, all deep and black, don't you? It's terrifying but you can't not look, because it is mesmerizing.
You may have been trained by a religion not to look because it's dangerous and precarious. There may be monsters in there! Or maybe the devil is in there. I assure you that he is not. There are no devils in your head, only you and all the parts of yourself that you are not supposed to look at because no one does, and if you do you will become different from everyone else and it will make them all very uncomfortable!
There is an unspoken agreement among people to stay on the same page with each other: shop at the same stores so that you can talk about your bargains, watch the same t.v. shows so that you can talk about them at work the next day, eat the same food, vote the same, worship the same . . . you get the point.
But you don't want that anymore, do you? You've noticed something about yourself that makes you feel different and you like it. There is an energy to this peering into the abyss that is satisfying and a pleasant kind of high. You start feeling tingly all over, and kind of powerful. The darkness starts to fade.
Don't stop.
Keep looking. It's not an abyss, all dark and scary. Not after a while, anyway. This chasm filled with strange thoughts and feelings will take you on a ride that will change your entire perspective on life, the universe and everything: on the truth of who and what you are. This ride is dangerous and frightening at first, as it rips away the shaky structure upon which society has constructed its own made truths and false histories. The whole thing comes crashing down and you have to maintain a calm in order to build a new structure that is perfect and permanent.
You can lose your mind in the process, or gain it. If you are weak you lose. If you would rather hold on to the comfort of a familiar world that vexes you, it is your own choice to maintain the status quo. If you are ready for this process of individuation, you gain everything. You gain yourself. You become immune to the maddening repetition of the world. You realize that the demiurge of societal norms and invented niceties holds no power over you any longer and you are free to be who you are without shame, without fear and without a single, solitary doubt in yourself.
Do it.
Peer into that abyss and dive down that rabbit hole. Follow the winding vortex of frightening darkness until it becomes light again. Get everyone else's words and phrases out of your head and think your own thoughts. Find yourself and don't come back out until you've succeeded. When you re-emerge you will be a real super-hero.
I love you for it.
No one knows, when they look at you, what thoughts are playing bumper cars inside of your head. You could be thinking about cotton candy, or the perfect solution to the problem of world hunger, rampant discrimination and the problem of war, and to the judging onlooker you're just a lump sitting there staring lazily.
But you're not. At least I hope you're not. No. You're not. You are thinking. You've discovered layers of self deep down inside, and you are sick and tired of wondering what they look like and why they seem to take on a life of their own whenever you indulge them. They scare you, these layers, when you peer into them. Don't they? You think you're peering into the Abyss, all deep and black, don't you? It's terrifying but you can't not look, because it is mesmerizing.
You may have been trained by a religion not to look because it's dangerous and precarious. There may be monsters in there! Or maybe the devil is in there. I assure you that he is not. There are no devils in your head, only you and all the parts of yourself that you are not supposed to look at because no one does, and if you do you will become different from everyone else and it will make them all very uncomfortable!
There is an unspoken agreement among people to stay on the same page with each other: shop at the same stores so that you can talk about your bargains, watch the same t.v. shows so that you can talk about them at work the next day, eat the same food, vote the same, worship the same . . . you get the point.
But you don't want that anymore, do you? You've noticed something about yourself that makes you feel different and you like it. There is an energy to this peering into the abyss that is satisfying and a pleasant kind of high. You start feeling tingly all over, and kind of powerful. The darkness starts to fade.
Don't stop.
Keep looking. It's not an abyss, all dark and scary. Not after a while, anyway. This chasm filled with strange thoughts and feelings will take you on a ride that will change your entire perspective on life, the universe and everything: on the truth of who and what you are. This ride is dangerous and frightening at first, as it rips away the shaky structure upon which society has constructed its own made truths and false histories. The whole thing comes crashing down and you have to maintain a calm in order to build a new structure that is perfect and permanent.
You can lose your mind in the process, or gain it. If you are weak you lose. If you would rather hold on to the comfort of a familiar world that vexes you, it is your own choice to maintain the status quo. If you are ready for this process of individuation, you gain everything. You gain yourself. You become immune to the maddening repetition of the world. You realize that the demiurge of societal norms and invented niceties holds no power over you any longer and you are free to be who you are without shame, without fear and without a single, solitary doubt in yourself.
Do it.
Peer into that abyss and dive down that rabbit hole. Follow the winding vortex of frightening darkness until it becomes light again. Get everyone else's words and phrases out of your head and think your own thoughts. Find yourself and don't come back out until you've succeeded. When you re-emerge you will be a real super-hero.
I love you for it.
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