Despite the driving on-again-off-again rain, we made pretty good time heading toward Chicago. Good time being the best we could do in a moving van pulling an SUV on a car carrier. As I said before, the van seemed maxed out at 60 mph, which at first was like a cruel joke with nearly 2000 miles to drive. (I did notice somewhere in Missouri, or was it Oklahoma? - a sticker admonishing the driver not to exceed 45 mph, but we're not to that part yet).
If you shudder at certain driving nightmares, please take a leisurely jaunt through Chicago at rush hour. They-will-run-you-down! Cars were whizzing by us at insane speeds, even semis were dusting us. It's not driving on the Chicago freeways, it's qualifying.
Even with the heavy traffic we were okay, for a while, because they were going about 110 mph. I kept nervously checking the time, sure that we could avoid the worst, but the weight of the van, the drag created by the car carrier and the driving rain created the perfect timing debacle. We were at a dead stop in no time, in the heart of the Chicago rush hour, in the driving spring rain. We should have been at Gramma's place by now! Stupid truck! Stupid traffic! Stupid rain!
Okay, sorry about that. Flashbacks and all that.
So we rolled into Gramma's place two hours later than we should have - an indicator of how our trip timing would go for the rest of the journey. Now, we did happen to choose the worst rain and storms that the country had seen for some time. The weather news showed the entire country covered by rain and violent thunder storms. What a great time to peruse the American countryside!
When we rolled into the Illinois farm town, we were stressed out, (not as stressed as the cat, though), tired and in need of a good cold beer. After Jim drove all over the neighbor's lawn with the moving van, insuring good, deep ruts that would last the entire summer season, we were finally in a warm and dry cozy place to curl up and relax. Well, Jim was, anyway. I had to sneak in the cat that Gramma doesn't know we have, and figure out what to do with her for about 24 hours.
I have to ask you, (rhetorically, of course): was it cruel to take a paranoid cat on a cross-country journey in a cramped van cab? Was it weird to have a litter box in such close proximity to us for four days? Was it wrong to sneak the cat into Gramma's house, taking advantage of her failing cognizance? Well, 1) We love the cat and she's coming with us; 2) Everybody poops, what're you going to do? 3) We're probably evil and just haven't realized it yet. Sorry, Gramma!
It took ten minutes for Sophie to come out of her crate. Funny, it took such an effort to get her into it in the first place and now that we were in unfamiliar territory she refused to come out! Sophie inched her way out and found her way to the litter box where she did some impressive work. As Sophie had finally worked up the nerve to explore Gramma's unbelievably clean and well organized garage, a thought struck me. Gramma getting up early in the morning and opening her garage door; Sophie escaping and me in a fit of despair while staggering, crying and calling out her name through the little town, sick with worry. Okay, new plan. Jim suggested the laundry room in the basement. Perfect. Sophie even approved. It was great, except that I was so worried about the cat having a nervous breakdown due to stress that I was up half of the night worrying, and the other half going down stairs to check on her. Night number two with no sleep. Yikes!
I told you, dorky pioneers!
The next morning we were whisked away to the local diner, Ziggy's. A spartan establishment in which the entire restaurant is the smoking section, and the room in the back behind the wall of glass was for the non-smokers: a fishbowl for the healthy. It was empty and the light was off. I panicked because Jim's lungs cannot tolerate cigarette smoke, but the far corner was not too bad since the long table of farmers were mostly eating their breakfasts, and hardly smoking at all.
Now, the floors in Ziggy's are buckled and uneven, the counters are ancient and marked up spectacularly. The tables and chairs look like what what one might find in a VFW hall in 1960. This was the place where the farmers came after they worked in their fields for a couple of hours, then got a hankerin' for some grub. I had been there twice before during visits to Gramma's place. They literally still have manure on their boots when they come in for breakfast!
Listening to the conversation at the big table, I realized how much I don't have in common with middle America, which made me sad because I so respect and defend the small town life and the American farmer. Each time I had walked into this place, however, with my husband and his siblings, all activity stopped and they stared us down, like in a movie just before the newcomers get killed, (as in 2000 maniacs). Strangers are suspect, always! And me with a peace symbol on my purse! Ah, well, watcha gonna do? We ate and left, probably never to return again. That afternoon we would really get our trip started. Up until now it felt like vacation. We were about to go beyond our narrow little world, to a new home and into economic uncertainty. Wagons, Ho!
Stay tuned next time for our exciting drive through Missouri and Oklahoma, and find out new uses for dead, roadside armadillos!
Friday, August 7, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Currents of This World
Are you familiar with the phrase "down the rabbit hole"? It's a fairly common phrase, but it became a reality to me in August 2007. After nearly 23 years of studying ancient history, religious practices and spiritual traditions, I have come away fairly disgusted with religious organizations. This is not a new concept, I meet more and more people who have been victimized and brainwashed by various religious institutions, none seem to be exempt from negative practices of some sort. Now, that is not a new revelation either. If an idea becomes an organization, people will find a way to exploit it, and that is simply a negative manifestation of human nature. The seed idea of (most) organizations usually cannot be held responsible for human maladjustment.
Having a serious interest in spiritualism, metaphysics and philosophies, as they can be applied pragmatically to one's development, I have found myself on a journey of immense proportions. I thought I was going find "something". A thing, a writing. I would find it and it would explain the answers to my questions and I would know how it all fit together. What I found was reading, sifting, contemplating, debunking, meditating, strange dreams and unexplainable coincidences.
Bits of truth would break through my "bias barrier" to shed a ray of light on a line of thought, and that would have to suffice for a space of time. There are cycles of learning, if one is seeking truths, and once these cycles are duly noted it is easier to work with information. It doesn't all come at once, that would blow one's circuits, literally.
Once adulthood is reached, there are structures in place that are intimately involved with one's worldview. These structures are, more often than not, tied in with a religious upbringing and all of the stories of religious founders, heroes and their deeds; the things we were taught by our parents, because we have no reason to disbelieve them, nor should they have disbelieved their parents; politics, relationships; biases of race, color or religion. All of these structures are built into who we are and shape how we see everything. To upset one small part of the structure has a reflex effect upon major portions of ones mental structure, or if the revelation is big enough, all of it. A crisis of epic proportions can be the result, and if the person is not supported or understood, it could get very ugly.
I think for the most part people only skim the surface of themselves because to go deep is frightening and upsetting. No one wants to feel strong negative emotions, to sob or to find themselves with a permanently altered worldview, making them different from everyone else. Or do they? Somewhere inside of each and every one of us is a place where we long for the freedom to be who we are. We don't want to apologize for our existence, or what or whom we like. We want the freedom to explore our feelings and know what it is to be truly human without some very judgemental organizations warning us against using our minds to grow and individuate. Beside the fact that they are warned against judgement in the first place, it is likened to a form of murder. Murder in the sense of killing a person's ability to use the freewill which is our inherant right. A person who tells you that one should throw out free thought in favor of the instruction of their preferred institution, is attempting to kill your free thought and your free will. Now I realize that a certain number of people are searching for a benevolent dictator to tell them what to do, save them from themselves and promise them golden palaces for eternity. I am not among that number.
I am not an atheist, though I make no judgements on those who are. When I think of all the spriritual abuse meted out by various churches I was dragged to as a kid, the admonition not to ask questions because God hates a questioner, I don't blame anyone for seeking an alternative to the fundamentalist worldview. I once read a quote by a rabbi who was speaking to an atheist, and said, "The God you don't believe in, I don't believe in myself." He was referring to the idea of an angry, jealous fellow in the sky who loves us but will torture us for all of eternity should we put a toe out of line.
Think outside the box. I believe there are more than two options. I believe in an intelligent consciousness which permeates everything seen and unseen. This consciousness is consciousness itself, experiencing states of being. It will not spank us if we are bad or send us to hell. It is imminent and transcendent and we are living in it. We are self regulating in so much as we possess this consciousness and with it the ability to either become awakened to it, or fight it and be miserable until we learn not to fight with ourselves. Tune in to it. Breath slowly and rythmically. Let your body relax. If you are still and quiet you feel it, like a pleasant and energetic warmth filling you.
Sooner or later you will find yourself at a place in your life when you are ready to go down that rabbit hole: throwing out all expectations and agendas, and just wanting truth. If you want truth without expectations, you will marvel at what you find. It will seem as if everyone and everything around you is feeding you with information and experiences to aid you along the way. They have been all along, but now you are conscious of it, and can make good use of the information. The outmoded and false parts of your structure will begin to fall away, but if you want truth, you must be willing to discard what is not useful to your growth. Prepare yourself and it will be less upsetting.
What truth have I found? That going inside myself and throwing out all imposed beliefs and shiboleths, absolutes and biases was the most liberating experience of my life. That it is not so scary to peer into the abyss, because what was down there was holding me back from indiviuation. What I found was aided by the desire not to be a person who has all the answers, but to be open to answers. A wise revealer said: "Continue seeking until you find. When you find you will become troubled . . . " Troubled to be sure! That structure is coming down! Its okay. It's not meant to stand. The structure that you will erect in it's place will be permanent. It will be you as you are. No apologies, no agendas, no judgements, no shame. Just you. The currents of this world will no longer pull you this way and that. You will know where you are going because you will have learned where you came from. No one can take that from you. I may not tell you what I have seen or what truth I have found, that is MY journey, and besides, you probably wouldn't believe me anyway. You'd have to see and experience it for yourself.
The major religious organizations of this world cannot give this to you. They can only demand your submission. Open your mind, free yourself. You have the universe to gain.
Having a serious interest in spiritualism, metaphysics and philosophies, as they can be applied pragmatically to one's development, I have found myself on a journey of immense proportions. I thought I was going find "something". A thing, a writing. I would find it and it would explain the answers to my questions and I would know how it all fit together. What I found was reading, sifting, contemplating, debunking, meditating, strange dreams and unexplainable coincidences.
Bits of truth would break through my "bias barrier" to shed a ray of light on a line of thought, and that would have to suffice for a space of time. There are cycles of learning, if one is seeking truths, and once these cycles are duly noted it is easier to work with information. It doesn't all come at once, that would blow one's circuits, literally.
Once adulthood is reached, there are structures in place that are intimately involved with one's worldview. These structures are, more often than not, tied in with a religious upbringing and all of the stories of religious founders, heroes and their deeds; the things we were taught by our parents, because we have no reason to disbelieve them, nor should they have disbelieved their parents; politics, relationships; biases of race, color or religion. All of these structures are built into who we are and shape how we see everything. To upset one small part of the structure has a reflex effect upon major portions of ones mental structure, or if the revelation is big enough, all of it. A crisis of epic proportions can be the result, and if the person is not supported or understood, it could get very ugly.
I think for the most part people only skim the surface of themselves because to go deep is frightening and upsetting. No one wants to feel strong negative emotions, to sob or to find themselves with a permanently altered worldview, making them different from everyone else. Or do they? Somewhere inside of each and every one of us is a place where we long for the freedom to be who we are. We don't want to apologize for our existence, or what or whom we like. We want the freedom to explore our feelings and know what it is to be truly human without some very judgemental organizations warning us against using our minds to grow and individuate. Beside the fact that they are warned against judgement in the first place, it is likened to a form of murder. Murder in the sense of killing a person's ability to use the freewill which is our inherant right. A person who tells you that one should throw out free thought in favor of the instruction of their preferred institution, is attempting to kill your free thought and your free will. Now I realize that a certain number of people are searching for a benevolent dictator to tell them what to do, save them from themselves and promise them golden palaces for eternity. I am not among that number.
I am not an atheist, though I make no judgements on those who are. When I think of all the spriritual abuse meted out by various churches I was dragged to as a kid, the admonition not to ask questions because God hates a questioner, I don't blame anyone for seeking an alternative to the fundamentalist worldview. I once read a quote by a rabbi who was speaking to an atheist, and said, "The God you don't believe in, I don't believe in myself." He was referring to the idea of an angry, jealous fellow in the sky who loves us but will torture us for all of eternity should we put a toe out of line.
Think outside the box. I believe there are more than two options. I believe in an intelligent consciousness which permeates everything seen and unseen. This consciousness is consciousness itself, experiencing states of being. It will not spank us if we are bad or send us to hell. It is imminent and transcendent and we are living in it. We are self regulating in so much as we possess this consciousness and with it the ability to either become awakened to it, or fight it and be miserable until we learn not to fight with ourselves. Tune in to it. Breath slowly and rythmically. Let your body relax. If you are still and quiet you feel it, like a pleasant and energetic warmth filling you.
Sooner or later you will find yourself at a place in your life when you are ready to go down that rabbit hole: throwing out all expectations and agendas, and just wanting truth. If you want truth without expectations, you will marvel at what you find. It will seem as if everyone and everything around you is feeding you with information and experiences to aid you along the way. They have been all along, but now you are conscious of it, and can make good use of the information. The outmoded and false parts of your structure will begin to fall away, but if you want truth, you must be willing to discard what is not useful to your growth. Prepare yourself and it will be less upsetting.
What truth have I found? That going inside myself and throwing out all imposed beliefs and shiboleths, absolutes and biases was the most liberating experience of my life. That it is not so scary to peer into the abyss, because what was down there was holding me back from indiviuation. What I found was aided by the desire not to be a person who has all the answers, but to be open to answers. A wise revealer said: "Continue seeking until you find. When you find you will become troubled . . . " Troubled to be sure! That structure is coming down! Its okay. It's not meant to stand. The structure that you will erect in it's place will be permanent. It will be you as you are. No apologies, no agendas, no judgements, no shame. Just you. The currents of this world will no longer pull you this way and that. You will know where you are going because you will have learned where you came from. No one can take that from you. I may not tell you what I have seen or what truth I have found, that is MY journey, and besides, you probably wouldn't believe me anyway. You'd have to see and experience it for yourself.
The major religious organizations of this world cannot give this to you. They can only demand your submission. Open your mind, free yourself. You have the universe to gain.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Arizona Journals 2
4-27-09
We're really going! We're driving 2000 miles with all of our stuff and the cat and we're going to a place where we know one person and only one of us has a job. Are we crazy?
When I got out of bed in the morning my head was spinning. I slept about 2 hours, maybe - MAYBE - and that was just before it was time to get up. My whole body ached so badly from the lifting and carrying the day before, that all my parts just sort of throbbed in unison. We had to get some food in our stomachs and have a last hug goodbye. We had a 5 hour drive to Illinois to visit Jim's 95 year old grandmother overnight, then off on our cross-country adventure. I was crazy tired, but at least there would be a lot of sitting and relaxing. For entertainment I brought my copy of the Complete Book Of Chinese Health And Healing, two Qi Gong books and my journal. After we had breakfast and desert, then turned down more breakfast and then more desert, we were ready to roll.
Jim's father hugged us goodbye and then remained in the house. It was too hard for him to watch us go, especially because of the main reason we were leaving: Jim's health. Jim has a serious lung condition and Michigan is a terrible place for him. For his well being we found a way to make this move happen. Jim's mother walked out with us and almost didn't let him go. It made me cry to see them so sad, but I knew that we were doing the right thing.
Finally we were off, my Saturn Vue riding along behind on a car carrier, the cat in the cab with us and a forecast of heavy thunderstorms!
So there we were, one hour later, on I-23 south, going about 60 miles per hour because the van was full of our stuff, and we were pulling an SUV, for crying out loud! The moving van was maxed-out, and for that matter, so was the cat. She was having some sort of anxiety attack on my lap: panting and practically drooling. I thought her poor little 13 year old heart was going to burst right there in the cab of the moving van. We were almost to Indiana before she started to calm down. After a couple of hours Sophie, the anxious little cat began to relax and explore the tight boundaries of the moving van cab. Thank goodness.
SOPHIA TIRED AND SHAGGED OUT AFTER A PROLONGED ANXIETY ATTACK AT HAVING TO RIDE IN A MOVING VAN. I BELIEVE THIS WAS AFTER ABOUT THREE OR FOUR DAYS. SOMWHERE IN TEXAS, MAYBE.
My eyes savoured all the spring-time green of the last bits of Michigan as we made our way closer to the state line. The trees were just starting to look pretty here and there, daffodils blooming, crocuses on their way out. There were so many trees in the places where development hadn't reached yet. Would they still be there when I come back to visit? Hope so. I won't be seeing green things for a while, (unless I drive up to Flagstaff). I cherished the forests and streams that still dared to be, in a place becoming quickly carved up by developers. I hate to sound completely sappy, but it really was bitter-sweet.
The rain came in sheets here and there, threatening us. IT was heavy, it was light, it was awful, it was delicate. As we neared the Michigan-Indiana border the rain became seriously threatening. As we got closer to the last Michigan mile marker it became downright dramatic, with a thunderous downpour so serious that we couldn't see more than 20 feet or so in front of the truck. The sound of the rain beating the roof of the van was so loud we couldn't hear each other, the cat was hiding again and it looked like we would have to pull over. But then we crossed into Indiana and just like that, the rain slowed to a gentle drizzle, and we cold see again. Was Michigan threatening us? Just like that, our sad, boring lives in Michigan were over and the adventure was really on.
Onward we barrelled into our new lives, at a speed of 60 miles per hour, (okay, we weren't exactly barrelling), and wondered how it would change us. I planned on being skinnier and tanner, Jim planned on having healthier lungs and bicycling every day. Sophie the cat planned on getting out of the moving van and pooping in a normal size litter box again. But first - on to gramma's house in farm country, Illinois. Gramma Rapp doesn't know we have a cat, or are bringing the cat that she doesn't know we have, and that we plan to bring the cat into her house. Stay tuned for the next installment when we sneak our 13 year old cat into our 95 year old gramma's house!
We're really going! We're driving 2000 miles with all of our stuff and the cat and we're going to a place where we know one person and only one of us has a job. Are we crazy?
When I got out of bed in the morning my head was spinning. I slept about 2 hours, maybe - MAYBE - and that was just before it was time to get up. My whole body ached so badly from the lifting and carrying the day before, that all my parts just sort of throbbed in unison. We had to get some food in our stomachs and have a last hug goodbye. We had a 5 hour drive to Illinois to visit Jim's 95 year old grandmother overnight, then off on our cross-country adventure. I was crazy tired, but at least there would be a lot of sitting and relaxing. For entertainment I brought my copy of the Complete Book Of Chinese Health And Healing, two Qi Gong books and my journal. After we had breakfast and desert, then turned down more breakfast and then more desert, we were ready to roll.
Jim's father hugged us goodbye and then remained in the house. It was too hard for him to watch us go, especially because of the main reason we were leaving: Jim's health. Jim has a serious lung condition and Michigan is a terrible place for him. For his well being we found a way to make this move happen. Jim's mother walked out with us and almost didn't let him go. It made me cry to see them so sad, but I knew that we were doing the right thing.
Finally we were off, my Saturn Vue riding along behind on a car carrier, the cat in the cab with us and a forecast of heavy thunderstorms!
So there we were, one hour later, on I-23 south, going about 60 miles per hour because the van was full of our stuff, and we were pulling an SUV, for crying out loud! The moving van was maxed-out, and for that matter, so was the cat. She was having some sort of anxiety attack on my lap: panting and practically drooling. I thought her poor little 13 year old heart was going to burst right there in the cab of the moving van. We were almost to Indiana before she started to calm down. After a couple of hours Sophie, the anxious little cat began to relax and explore the tight boundaries of the moving van cab. Thank goodness.
SOPHIA TIRED AND SHAGGED OUT AFTER A PROLONGED ANXIETY ATTACK AT HAVING TO RIDE IN A MOVING VAN. I BELIEVE THIS WAS AFTER ABOUT THREE OR FOUR DAYS. SOMWHERE IN TEXAS, MAYBE.
My eyes savoured all the spring-time green of the last bits of Michigan as we made our way closer to the state line. The trees were just starting to look pretty here and there, daffodils blooming, crocuses on their way out. There were so many trees in the places where development hadn't reached yet. Would they still be there when I come back to visit? Hope so. I won't be seeing green things for a while, (unless I drive up to Flagstaff). I cherished the forests and streams that still dared to be, in a place becoming quickly carved up by developers. I hate to sound completely sappy, but it really was bitter-sweet.
The rain came in sheets here and there, threatening us. IT was heavy, it was light, it was awful, it was delicate. As we neared the Michigan-Indiana border the rain became seriously threatening. As we got closer to the last Michigan mile marker it became downright dramatic, with a thunderous downpour so serious that we couldn't see more than 20 feet or so in front of the truck. The sound of the rain beating the roof of the van was so loud we couldn't hear each other, the cat was hiding again and it looked like we would have to pull over. But then we crossed into Indiana and just like that, the rain slowed to a gentle drizzle, and we cold see again. Was Michigan threatening us? Just like that, our sad, boring lives in Michigan were over and the adventure was really on.
Onward we barrelled into our new lives, at a speed of 60 miles per hour, (okay, we weren't exactly barrelling), and wondered how it would change us. I planned on being skinnier and tanner, Jim planned on having healthier lungs and bicycling every day. Sophie the cat planned on getting out of the moving van and pooping in a normal size litter box again. But first - on to gramma's house in farm country, Illinois. Gramma Rapp doesn't know we have a cat, or are bringing the cat that she doesn't know we have, and that we plan to bring the cat into her house. Stay tuned for the next installment when we sneak our 13 year old cat into our 95 year old gramma's house!
Thursday, July 30, 2009
The Arizona Journals 1
4.26.09
We picked up the moving van and had a hell of a day emptying that house! Friends showed up from out of the blue and pitched in, and it was a beautiful thing. People were all over the place helping us and we were grateful for it. We didn't think it would go well at all, with the little bit of time we had to prepare. The exodus from Michigan was difficult to orchestrate in the beginning, but once I had secured a job we had precious little time to get that ball rolling.
Our plans to sell off our unwanted possessions fell away, and instead we gave most of it away. Two televisions, an entertainment center, refrigerator, washer and dryer, sleeping bags, a tent, inflatable boat and mattresses, camp stove and lantern, 9 bags of clothes, two bags of shoes, five winter coats, 50 books and some glasses. We gave it all away. At first it was a bit tough, but soon we got on a roll and we just had so much fun with it! I was glad to see people getting things that they needed, and also people who have helped us in the past were on the receiving end this time. It made everyone happy
There were cookies and pie from my mother-in-law, water and soda to keep everyone going. Lots of hugs and tears, worries and fears. Long, silent smiles as we looked into the faces of our friends and families, not wanting to say how much we would miss each other. This was so much harder than I thought it would be.
I had spent the entire previous week preparing for the 1995 mile drive with the cat in the van with us, (the cat who won't come out when people come over or even so much as venture out the back door for fear of virtually everything. Now she's going in a van for days and days? Crazy). I hadn't shed a single tear as I left the job that I loved, (though I admit I was holding back to the point of discomfort). I spent a week focusing on the things that I wouldn't see anymore: the old, creeky wood floors, the orange walls I painted myself, the 75 year old scary basement with the odd little room I hated going into. I was losing my house and all the pretty flowers that I lovingly planted, but there wasn't an alternative.
Oddly enough, it was the day I went to see the Angie, the wonderful woman who has cut my hair for the last 21 years, that I started crying like a baby. I was so embarrassed, but she had been a friend to me all these years, and I trusted no one but her with my long. blonde locks. That really took me by surprise, albeit a pleasant one.
By the time the 16 foot van was loaded we were tired and crabby, I couldn't find the cat and our bodies ached so bad that it was hard to find the strength to hunt her down in the two story house that we would be driving away from for the last time the next day. She was an excellent hider. With Sophie the cat finally secured, we spent a last night in Michigan at Jim's parent's house. They were all too happy to tend to our needs, doting on us tearfully. It was all so surreal to me. We had talked about leaving Michigan for such a long time that I, myself, no longer believed we would go. But here we were, with all our worldly possessions in a big yellow truck, bound for adventure across America. We were sort of like dorky pioneers.
The last evening in Michigan was spent with Jim's parents and our nephew, Corwin. Two of our dear friends dropped by for a last beer and hugs, and we spoke all the "I'll visit soon", promises. A nice small group. Some more pie and cookies and it was off to bed for the first of what would turn out to be three sleepless nights. The next day our new lives would begin and nothing would ever be recognizable again.
We picked up the moving van and had a hell of a day emptying that house! Friends showed up from out of the blue and pitched in, and it was a beautiful thing. People were all over the place helping us and we were grateful for it. We didn't think it would go well at all, with the little bit of time we had to prepare. The exodus from Michigan was difficult to orchestrate in the beginning, but once I had secured a job we had precious little time to get that ball rolling.
Our plans to sell off our unwanted possessions fell away, and instead we gave most of it away. Two televisions, an entertainment center, refrigerator, washer and dryer, sleeping bags, a tent, inflatable boat and mattresses, camp stove and lantern, 9 bags of clothes, two bags of shoes, five winter coats, 50 books and some glasses. We gave it all away. At first it was a bit tough, but soon we got on a roll and we just had so much fun with it! I was glad to see people getting things that they needed, and also people who have helped us in the past were on the receiving end this time. It made everyone happy
There were cookies and pie from my mother-in-law, water and soda to keep everyone going. Lots of hugs and tears, worries and fears. Long, silent smiles as we looked into the faces of our friends and families, not wanting to say how much we would miss each other. This was so much harder than I thought it would be.
I had spent the entire previous week preparing for the 1995 mile drive with the cat in the van with us, (the cat who won't come out when people come over or even so much as venture out the back door for fear of virtually everything. Now she's going in a van for days and days? Crazy). I hadn't shed a single tear as I left the job that I loved, (though I admit I was holding back to the point of discomfort). I spent a week focusing on the things that I wouldn't see anymore: the old, creeky wood floors, the orange walls I painted myself, the 75 year old scary basement with the odd little room I hated going into. I was losing my house and all the pretty flowers that I lovingly planted, but there wasn't an alternative.
Oddly enough, it was the day I went to see the Angie, the wonderful woman who has cut my hair for the last 21 years, that I started crying like a baby. I was so embarrassed, but she had been a friend to me all these years, and I trusted no one but her with my long. blonde locks. That really took me by surprise, albeit a pleasant one.
By the time the 16 foot van was loaded we were tired and crabby, I couldn't find the cat and our bodies ached so bad that it was hard to find the strength to hunt her down in the two story house that we would be driving away from for the last time the next day. She was an excellent hider. With Sophie the cat finally secured, we spent a last night in Michigan at Jim's parent's house. They were all too happy to tend to our needs, doting on us tearfully. It was all so surreal to me. We had talked about leaving Michigan for such a long time that I, myself, no longer believed we would go. But here we were, with all our worldly possessions in a big yellow truck, bound for adventure across America. We were sort of like dorky pioneers.
The last evening in Michigan was spent with Jim's parents and our nephew, Corwin. Two of our dear friends dropped by for a last beer and hugs, and we spoke all the "I'll visit soon", promises. A nice small group. Some more pie and cookies and it was off to bed for the first of what would turn out to be three sleepless nights. The next day our new lives would begin and nothing would ever be recognizable again.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Care and feeding of the Mind
Do not be taken aback by introspection and dark wanderings into your own mind.
Enjoy it for the journey of liberation that it is. Dive down that rabbit hole and go deep, I say. Look at all the emotion, the suppressed feelings and denied desires. Stare into the face of the monsters of fear and the desire to fit in, and pick them apart into a million little pieces until they are too small to exist anymore. Undo the knot of other people's imposed beliefs and shibboleths so that you can think for yourself, work out your own universal scheme and locate yourself in it, because though we share this place, we are an entire universe unto ourselves.
We share a space with each other, yet no one can really enter our worlds, we have to live in them all alone. No one else can climb into our heads with us. It gets lonely in here. There seems to be a constant re-arranging of absolutes, so much so that I have given up on anything remotely resembling any such thing. I thought there were. Absolutes, I mean. But really, I am the only absolute in my life, so I have to take care to let in only what won't damage the environment.
Shit. Too late. There's been a lot of water underneath that bridge. Damage control! Environmental clean-up!
This could be the source of the problem. Too much white noise from the psychobabble of shallow society, a rapidly shifted worldview, scads of updated information, and the brain starts processing on overload.
This peering into the abyss situation is not for the faint of heart! It is mental surgery, removing everyone else's shit from one's head so that one can think and operate in a shit-free environment.
What we need is mental floss. Floss daily for optimum mental health, and don't let other people rent space in your head! Put up an "Authorized Personnel Only" sign to keep out the likes of the Jerry Falwell's, the Pat Robertson's, the Bill O'Reilly's, and other haters and fundies like them. Keep out the haters of individuality, the homosexual haters, the woman haters and the haters of other people's beliefs and practices. Guard yourself from these tricky talkers so that you can remain empty of shibboleths, empty of made truths and the status quo. Remain empty of unrealistic expectations, and live truly in your own world.
Mmmmm. That's it, baby. Raise up your own flag and fly it. You can't be you in someone else's world.
Enjoy it for the journey of liberation that it is. Dive down that rabbit hole and go deep, I say. Look at all the emotion, the suppressed feelings and denied desires. Stare into the face of the monsters of fear and the desire to fit in, and pick them apart into a million little pieces until they are too small to exist anymore. Undo the knot of other people's imposed beliefs and shibboleths so that you can think for yourself, work out your own universal scheme and locate yourself in it, because though we share this place, we are an entire universe unto ourselves.
We share a space with each other, yet no one can really enter our worlds, we have to live in them all alone. No one else can climb into our heads with us. It gets lonely in here. There seems to be a constant re-arranging of absolutes, so much so that I have given up on anything remotely resembling any such thing. I thought there were. Absolutes, I mean. But really, I am the only absolute in my life, so I have to take care to let in only what won't damage the environment.
Shit. Too late. There's been a lot of water underneath that bridge. Damage control! Environmental clean-up!
This could be the source of the problem. Too much white noise from the psychobabble of shallow society, a rapidly shifted worldview, scads of updated information, and the brain starts processing on overload.
This peering into the abyss situation is not for the faint of heart! It is mental surgery, removing everyone else's shit from one's head so that one can think and operate in a shit-free environment.
What we need is mental floss. Floss daily for optimum mental health, and don't let other people rent space in your head! Put up an "Authorized Personnel Only" sign to keep out the likes of the Jerry Falwell's, the Pat Robertson's, the Bill O'Reilly's, and other haters and fundies like them. Keep out the haters of individuality, the homosexual haters, the woman haters and the haters of other people's beliefs and practices. Guard yourself from these tricky talkers so that you can remain empty of shibboleths, empty of made truths and the status quo. Remain empty of unrealistic expectations, and live truly in your own world.
Mmmmm. That's it, baby. Raise up your own flag and fly it. You can't be you in someone else's world.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
